I was a Victorian-era child at the Gym. Here is my Story.
On injury, dizziness, and the dizzy people who make exercise sound like a prison sentence
I wish I could start this post by planting an image in your head that would make sense with the title: perhaps I was in a billowing night-shirt, holding a candlestick plaintively to illuminate…a barbell held aloft by a Gym Bro?…; perhaps I was wearing a stifling corset that threatened to split open with every cat-cow bend of my spine, much to the gasps of conservative society. Alas, no. I am simply using a popular Meme Format, in which Internet people dwell on what it would be like to subject a small child from the 1800s to say, NFTs, hot sauce, or misogynistic podcasts, and then they giggle endlessly about how the child would inevitably faint from the stress of having to process such contraptions.
No, I only used this title to allude to the fact that I did, indeed, lose some consciousness at the gym recently. As someone who usually has a vice-like grip on the Conscious — I do actually have my consciousness in a chokehold, my consciousness lives in my head rent-free, etc— this was an eye-opening experience, even if the actual experience did involve shutting my eyes and blinking stupidly rather a lot.
I will give you the nuts and bolts of the environment in which we’re operating for this issue: I am Training! For an Obstacle Course Race! In which, you guessed it, I will have to perform feats that, during standard business hours, are typically performed only by four-legged beasts of the chimp and baboon variety. During un-standard business hours, some human beings also try their hand(s and feet and fingers and toes) at scaling walls (imagine a baboon burglar), climbing ropes (imagine a monkey swinging on a vine, upwards), monkey bars (monkey swinging on a vine, L to R) and crawling under a net (hmm. Army pros fighting for the safety of their nation. Perhaps not so chimp-like). Equal parts fun, equal parts difficult, and equal parts reminiscent of childhood—for whomst among us has not hung upside down from a bar and jumped off a playground swing at its height only to land like Spiderman, as our mothers scream bloody murder in the background?
Anyway, I am very excited and nervous, I have a month to go before the race and the plan is to spend that month splitting it into running practice (I am not a Runner) and obstacle practice (I am not a Baboon Burglar, yet). Last week was week one. I ran sweet little 3-kms on days one and two, and on day three, I showed up in my baboon uniform for obstacle practice.
Now, okay, as a disclaimer: I’ve done these things—monkey bars, rope climbs etc—before. I am Fine with them, in fact, I Love them and wish to do them More Often (unironically! It reminds me of my days as a nimble little scamp who was a valuable asset in kho-kho games). All this is to say that I don’t generally operate from a place of fear and unfamiliarity here. I hop on the box, climb onto the bar, and swing away, calluses be damned.
So anyway, I am swinging, and because I’m Training, I swing for a while longer. I am making my way back, my palms sweaty (knees weak, mom’s spaghetti). And in the moment, I forget what to do when your palms sweaty and mom’s spaghetti—you’re supposed to match hands, instead of swinging on alternate bars. And I slip, right above the box I’d used to get on to the bar, and fall shin-first onto the box!! It was a big Ouch.
And of course, things become super dramatic and Victorian in the minutes after—I am, naturally, finding God and offering pilgrimages to make the pain go away; I am sitting down and begging people not to Touch It; I am looking at my shin quadruple in size and turn into Willy Wonka Candy colors, and if you’re a #browngirlboss who typically does not own yellow-ish purple body parts, the sight can be unnerving at best and nauseating at most. My first mistake was not matching; my second mistake was looking at my shin because that made me even dizzier. Oops!
Anyway, water was thrown at my face, electrolytes thirstily drunk, and consciousness quickly retrieved, thanks to well-wishers, my lovely, generous friends and my mega-cool coaches. I don’t make a habit of being dizzy and as such, it was quite the novel experience. And, miraculously, the novelty and the swelling wore off just as quickly as it had come! I dunno who made my body (fine, I do), but unbelievably, the swelling and colors almost completely disappeared in half an hour! Pain went down to like a 4/10, I finished the rest of the practice as well as I could, I drove back, and chilled! I am not saying I’m just built different, but I am also not saying I’m built the same as the rest of you.
It’s been four days since this happened, and since I’m committed to not spreading misinformation and undue concern/alarm: I got it checked out (it’s fine), I’ve been icing the foot, resting the leg, and not doing anything super strenuous with my legs, even if, as I suspect, I’m built different. The bruise is gone and my leg is back to just being my leg, the thing that helps me walk and run and do things I can’t do with my hands, but with just a little bit of pressure that will soon wear off as my muscle remembers that it is, indeed, built different. I will be back in my baboon uniform next week, with the knowledge gained from this week. I know that I can get stronger, I know I can get hurt, and I know it’s all simply part and parcel, and the best you can do is have a good time with it all, pretty much like we did when we were kids, I suppose.
That’s pretty much my general philosophy with exercise, too^ find something fun that helps with getting stronger and do Daily Life better (my original motivation was slightly more serious; I wanted to get strong enough to be able to lift my tiny granny in the event of an emergency) and just do that a lot, and eventually, you won’t be stupid about it. UNLESS.
Unless, you are determined to be stupid about it. This is a tiny tangent, by the way—if you just wanted to read about my mangled shin and nothing else, feel free to exit, stage left, now. Anyway, I saw this on Twitter earlier this week, and honestly, I wish my brain was asleep again after seeing this:
What the hell is “fit-shaming”?? Maybe you’re just hanging out with a bunch of assholes dude! Cut the beat!
In my experience, working out and exercise is something most people come to their senses about as soon as they stop being invincible teenagers and start suffering from lower back pain and irritable bowel syndrome, the brand ambassadors of being in your 20s. If you’re lucky, you’ve always been a runner, biker, sportsperson, what have you; but if not, some form of activity does eventually find a place in most people’s lives, when the time and circumstances are right, because surprise, surprise: most people do want to live better lives! And other people don’t hate them for it! (I’m not talking about fitness influencers who make a living out of lying; I’m just talking about the standard population) And “fit-shaming", whatever that is, likely just says more about your companionship and preciousness about getting #shredded, than about getting bullied for simply doing bicep curls or whatever. Stop making stuff up to gain sympathy and Instagram points so brazenly! There’s better ways to do that! Just hurt your shin temporarily! Ugh. If you have a strong, able body and this is what you choose to do with your brains and time…. I simply want to walk backwards into the sea.
But I shall not. I’ll call it a day and bring my brain back for more injury via social media tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. Much as I am training my body to circumvent obstacles, so too I must train my brain to circumvent oafs and dolts and idiots. At least my shin can grow back stronger. My poor brain on the other hand…
Other things:
Sorry about the inactivity! You know now what I am doing with my days
Yes, I’m doing the Wordles, the crosswords, and reading Emma by Jane Austen. A Victorian novel for our Victorian times
I like eggs now! (I hated them, circa 2017. I’ve mended my ways. Egg recipes welcome)
You should definitely try making frittata: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnqZ8Ojklhc (I prefer making it super plain with just eggs, milk and salt but you can be creative)